After the last midtown show

Before I could even ask why the universe presented me with a roll of tissue paper, slap dunk bam. Shit loaded onto my lap. AH!

I have become the Worrier of my Future. (oh surprise surprise) Like the Queen Elizabeth of The Worry Kingdom. Wouldn’t mind a throne with plenty of guards to shield me off any unnecessary scribbles of unadulterated uncertainties. But then again the whole point of being alive is to get kicked and punched and slapped over again. Fall down 7 times gets up 8. Although I did sat down on the floor for awhile and let the world takes its course without me co piloting the rest of the journey. Despite my meticulous self, I managed to gobble up enough positivism before getting back up and take control of the ship “Move away asshole!”

Now that asshole shall be my stupid mind. I don’t mind having a stupid mind, but that ass has been tailing my every movement. From my rights to my wrongs. My goal is to only write rights, always trying to make the wrong mind feel left out. Slapped onto the furthest corner of the head. But even if I tried to squeeze those gritty mumblings under the old pots just beside the welcome home mats in front of my hemispheres, expectations and dreams will push their way in before logic shut them up.

So when was my last post? Right, last year. Right, writers block. A block of wood. Tough. Amazed, that both my left and right mind successfully suffice in digging up old username + password. Not even a year passed. I was right to take my time and rekindle with myself. Though it is always a process. But I am getting there, almost, at, the, peak. Still waiting for that breakthrough. The walls are thinning, the ice are breaking. My fist has yet to mingle with the cool air and untangle myself from the knots of the past. Even the stubborn balls of fear. I am still, very much aware of the gritty doings that drives me forward and the little things I can work on to stop me from rolling backwards. Although a strand of words tainted with memories carefully placed in a jar, a place once filled with happiness turned itself away to a plain observatory room for others to casually drop by and leave unwanted baggage before getting on to the next plane. The way a cup of coffee stains and drops onto the thinnest napkin on tables scattered with old new copies of Monocle, leaving marks before the next cup comes over with a new ring of liquid. The familiar roads still reeks of disappointments, faded smiles of forgotten faces still printed on the very far corner of our minds, yet melodies even with the turned over musical notes rapidly tuning itself out from the rest of the band, still choses to conform every now and then. Just be be back in the game, winning or losing, as long as we’re don’t stop moving.

My majestic beloved laptop’s been with me for a good 6 years. Like any other relationships, we’re bound to have our ample share of ups and downs. In my case, blue screen and sudden shut downs. I mean I am not complaining. A little. Maybe. But really I am not. I am just plainly dumbfounded at how tolerant and patient and kind and careful and contented and my willingness (which is growing thinner and thinner as minutes pass) of staying true to my 6 year old baby. Faulty batteries should and ought to be the biggest sign for a new one, but no. No no no. The mind tells the self, “But it works fine still. Look at least you can still use Paint. And oh Powerpoint. Oo animation.”

I was given this laptop on my 16th birthday. Totes fell in love with it. Bright sunny yellow with big ass 15.4 inch screen. I was the happiest kid because back then, having a laptop with big screen was like the coolest thing ever. Like eva! In my mind at least. Nobody told me about the inconvenience and the weight that comes with a huge ass screen. I mean its huge. Stares are basically inevitable every time I bring it out. We all know the tables in cafes are not the biggest and my laptop will take about half of it leaving another half for my book, coffee and sandwich. That is if I’m dining alone. I would need 2 tables if I were to have coffee with another friend or two.

Now another issue with my 6 years of relationship with my laptop is its inconsistency in staying awake. Falling asleep every an hour or so or if too much videos are opened, total black out. Or, the infamous blue screen with weird ass codes swimming from one end to another. Tech geeks, I can’t live without you.

Last year I killed an ant. Unintentionally! Methods of me killing innocent ants will be by drowning them, chanting a quick countdown for the ants to slowly speed away and a prayer before splashing them with water. I am not a fan of pest spray, mainly because of the toxic smell. I hate it. But for this particular ant murder case, I failed at chanting a quick 10 sec countdown neither a prayer and the guilt is staying with me forever, or until at least I get a new laptop.

No idea how the ant managed to seep through into my laptop. Humans are so superficial. So stupid. Poor ant was literally surfing the net when my stupid small fingers tried flicking it away but failed then foolishly pressed the screen. I know. I know. Well it happened. And now the ant peacefully rest right in the middle of the screen. This was the only ant that thought outside of the thinking box. And I killed it.

A dead ant, faulty batteries, sides shredding onto its original skin colour, getting into sleep mode every now and then. I should stop at the dead ant.

O they are so bitter, like cold hard cookies
Crumbs and the icky taste will melt away, eventually, diffusing through taste buds
With either hot hot tea or a glass of cold cold milk

But to speak of goodbye
The articulation of farewell to a place, filled with strangers
The smell of comfort and familiarity hurridly hides in the corners
only revealing its gush of cold air every once in a while..

Cheers to a choked up goodbye

Oppressed breaths, changes laid against my chest, stumbling over the many same old silly mistakes of the pretentious self proclaimed righteous group of beings, multiply by the careless choices stuffed into our hands by incoherent leaders, scars of the past marks new beginnings for each mornings writes a different story.

Hands. Stuffed with forced mumbles rolled into fists filled with trapped opinions of the rights waiting to be freed and punch the transparency hollow air. Unpredictable.

As I sit here and unfold the wilted state of reality, I am forced to blink countless of times before sinking in the sad truth and consequence of our tainted selves that leads us to where we are now.

This tab has been open for hours. This, page. This, window this blank white space. Neglected, ignored, looked over, forgotten, dumped, squeezed right to the very small alley corner of one’s mind. How can a space so big so wide, so evidently innocent being pushed to one’s bag of memories. Strange.

Blind are we. We are blind. Very. Blinded by everything. Blinded by even the smallest of thoughts. Blinded by the strong rays of sunshine that greeted us every morning. Blinded by the soft, pure, misty light from the moon, fully drawn, carved onto night skies. Blinded by words. Words that painted countless of pictures by strangers we have never met before. The pen so tough, firmly bows down to his master and followed every single step, swirls, rejections and success. Blinded by actions of others. Blinded by empty, hopeless promises. Blinded, simply blinded.

What are we suppose to do with such unjust. How are we suppose to react to such insecurity, haunting, traumatizing us every night, picking on our very last inch of self defence. Self.

Life is all about taking leaps and leaps of faith. Constantly being pushed over steep cliffs, no parachutes, no helium to fill up our self blown air of lack of confidence, no ropes to be thrown and tighten over a huge big rock balancing holding to our weight. Nothing. We jump into a river of faith, overflowing hopes, unfinished bubbles of dreams, tuck down by heavy waves of setbacks. Pushed over to the middle of the sea over again.

You swim, you keep swimming. Choked with the heaviest saltiest taste in your mouth, you keep swimming.

Sleep is by far my favourite state of self. An escapism from reality. That is why dreams only occurs when your mind is on stillness, and your body separates itself from reality and co sign with dreams. It’s the only state of mind where one can forget about life’s bedlams and to genuinely close your eyes, opening the gates to full fledged exquisite self, swimming with total vulnerability.

Sleep is like surrendering ourselves to the unknown. You will never know what you will be dreaming the next time you fall into this black hole of ‘the closure of sight’. You will never know where the dreams may take you. One night, I dreamt I was chased by a gigantic chicken cockle doodle-ing to Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance, “Ra ra ra ah ah roma roma mama”. As disturbing as it may sound, it gets more perplexed towards the end of the dream where I ended up being in the middle of a playground sitting on a swing with an ice cream on one hand. Drips of the vanilla ice cream flooded my entire red blouse. My boots drowned in sand, reaching to my ankle, my ribboned socks camouflaged with the pale brown colour of the artificial sand. For some reason, my skin was paler and much fairer. Thus making the colour of my socks much more dirtier and muddy looking. Maybe I tumbled into a puddle from the running from the evil chicken. Maybe, this is what dreams is all about. Irrelevant, inaccurate, silly, absurd, all gelled into just one term.

Dreams. See where it can take you? See the different forms of self that one can transform into? See the constant flow of inconsistency?

This is all one needs. An escapism from reality, a break from the immoral world, and take a stroll into the forest of stillness and surrender.

Sleep, is genius.

To have a healthy relationship these days is pretty challenging. To even have a healthy set of mind is as tough. The ongoing changes and adaptations that all of us has to go through every single day contributes greatly to our constant battle in attaining our desired purpose in life. Which is, happiness. Or, is it?

Maintaining healthy relationships with family, friends, lovers, neighbours, society is beyond just, love. Beyond just understanding and learning about each other better. It’s a constant cycle of getting to know an individual even deeper. Two three years of friendship won’t guarantee that a person knows the other enough. Relationship off all kinds is a process. Waking up to life, every day is a brand new challenge, brand new opportunity for us to progress further.

I fall in and out of chaos. I stood, grew, taller, wiser. Stronger. The bedlams of life, are unavoidable. But being human, we are ought to thrive from issues. From everything.

10 million times I watch A Walk To Remember, 10 million times I will still cry. 

2 decades of my life just passed by me in a span of only 24hours. They say if youre in a black hole, time and space are infinite. we, are not living in black holes, are we?  maybe in between the milky way. the galaxy are way too complex for one to decipher. stars, planets, supernova, hyper supernova. super massive black hole. muse got inspired by stars and more, just like me. name a star named after me, would you?

yesternight i was sandwiched with smiles, suffocated with laughters and fed till full with food cakes and joy. 2 years of celebrating birthdays without family definitely did quite a pretty big hole bitter damage. family are the greatest form of blessings one can ever ask for. home is where family is, and since mine just happened to migrate and decided to stay for 5 years, then, i guess jakarta is, my home. (singapore, youre a sunny island still but jakarta has my family. i think you should invest on more ways on how to pull them back to your tiny island!)

a lot learned. uncountable mistakes. definitely have come a long way, only longer more to go. ive realised life is all about moving on and letting go and forgiving. even if its the hardest, even if it beats you, even if its the first thing you think of everyday and the last before bed. that thing, will, make you stronger, wiser. and when its passed, you know that youve overcome that tough phase in life, only to realize that you were all along getting yourself all prepped up for other tougher phases. keep your head up no matter how weak you get, because there will always be a light, somewhere, anywhere, that will pull you back and whispers “everything will, be okay.”